Decency Has Never Saved Me
The soft singing of the afternoon light fills the library cafeteria. My daughter learns to walk between the tables; her tiny hand curled around my husband’s index finger. The air swells with coffee and pasta. Pages turn in the corner, voices murmur, children run, laughter ricochets.
My fingers warm around the curvature of my cup, and my eyes follow the steep lines in my book. Warsan Shire writes, “Mama, I made it out of your home alive, raised by the voices in my head” and I clench the smooth corner of my chair and turn towards the cars creeping over the black asphalt beyond the tall windows of the library cafeteria.
Warsan’s words lurk like rats in the cracks of these white walls, watching for the night to finally engulf the brightness of this daydream. I look away, far away from the wounds that still wait to be licked. I smooth my sleeves, shying from the squeaking and nibbling that run along the pipes. I remind myself that the house of my small hands has haunted me for thirty years, that I have schooled myself to never simmer in memories longer than a breath. That when the long monster comes to sleep beneath my bed, I allow him his space.
The steam from kettle tears through the air of my thoughts—the white walls close in, the tables arrive back into the picture and the smell of the pasta nauseate the air conditioner. The voices exhale a loud collective sigh and everything begins to move again.
I hear my daughter giggle, stumble and tumble into my husband’s white palms. My fingers twitch in her direction, like any decent mother’s should—though decency has never saved me. My mouth opens but only like a hollow cave that houses no treasure, no lessons.
I close Warsan away and pretend not to hear the noises in the white walls. My eyes return to my daughter, watching her learn to walk.
About the Author:
Juveriya Nazneen is a poet and writer based in Qatar, with roots in India, whose work explores Islamic faith, diaspora, and identity. She holds master’s degrees in English and Business. Juveriya is currently completing a debut poetry collection and serves as the Editor-in-chief of Tasbih Literary Magazine. Her work has been published in Consilience Journal and selected for the upcoming Issue IV of Candle Chronicles.
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